Scoota

The only bread I trust less than mouldy bread, is out of date bread that isn't mouldy. 🧐

Filling my car with cocaine and hoping it starts, cos it's cheaper than petrol.

Walking without headphones? Yeah, like I'd want to be alone with my thoughts!

Too many beautiful cars are driven by ugly people.

That feeling when you have the top comment on a viral Instagram post

When I attach photos to an email, I don't want it as a link @gmail. I want to attach an excessive amount of bytes, like a real man.

It is so annoying how work colleagues message you about work while you're working.

My favourite thing to yell from my office is "Shit, it's a nice day out!"

If you don't have an unhealthy amount of back hair growing beyond the collar of your t-shirt, are you even a man?

I don't feel bad when my wife's mad at me. I feel like I have the whole bed to myself. 🎉

The fact that I have friends proves that anything is possible.

It's illegal to ugly cry in 48 states of America. #HellaTrueFacts

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people that 2 minute noodles can be made in 2 minutes.

Don't judge a man by the company he keeps. Judge a man by the banana he eats! I see you eating those green bananas, you little sicko. You're mentally ill. And you should seek proper help.

Kids are so spoiled for choice. YouTube. TikTok. Instagram. 47 genders.

Honestly, the only reason I haven't bought a private island is because of the stigma now attached to it. Thanks a lot, Jeffrey!

Nothing quite like opening doors and windows in the morning to let that cool breeze in. Until you blink and it's 27°C at 10:30 am, and now you've heated up the house instead. #Shiiit

Go to incestry dot com and find out more about your family tree.

Good parking spaces are wasted on the young. I'm stretching before the walk to the front door, and I ain't got time for that.

Apparently there was a girl in my son's class who identified as a dog, and she bit my son 5 times last year. He said nothing to us, and neither did the school. Get that dog a muzzle!