HOW TO ASSERT YOUR MORAL SUPERIORITY: 1. Do something socially responsible and forward-thinking. 2. Be a dick about it to people who didn't.
HOW TO UNFOLLOW PEOPLE ON TWITTER: 1. Announce that you are unfollowing them. 2. Continue to look at feeds to see if they talk about you.
HOW TO HAVE THE COURAGE OF YOUR CONVICTIONS: 1. Make unpopular business decision. 2. Stick to your guns. 3. ...For, like, a week or so.
HOW TO RAISE A CHILD: 1. Feed them properly. 2. Make sure they are clothed. 3. Buy them a TV. 4. Coast.
HOW TO MAKE UP FOR MISSING QUOTATION MARKS IN A PREVIOUS TWEET: 1. Put in some extras in a later post."
HOW TO PLAY RED ROVER: 1. Join hands. 2. Chant "Red Rover, Red Rover, send [name] right over. 3. Welcome herald of our blood-red dark lord.
HOW TO GAIN ABSOLUTE POWER, AMASS ENORMOUS WEALTH, TAKE ON GORGEOUS LOVERS, AND LIVE FOREVER: 1. ...Geez, I was hoping you'd tell ME.
HOW TO GET KICKED OFF AN AIRPLANE: 1. Threaten everyone onboard with your terrorism-laden same-sex kisses.
HOW TO LEAP: 1. Be sure to look first. 2. Or, hell, just jump right in. What's the worst that could happen?
HOW TO MAKE LIKE A BANANA: 1. Leave. 2. ...No, wait, that's not right. 3. Hold on, it'll come to me.
HOW TO ANNOUNCE A NEW PROJECT FROM US FOLKS AT @THEBUREAUCHIEFS: 1. Tell people about @FakePewResearch. 2. Find shark. 3. Jump it.
HOW TO DANCE THE MACARENA: 1. Right arm out. 2. Left arm out. 3. Grab head tightly with hands. 4. Twist sharply back and to the right.
HOW TO TIP YOUR WAITER: 1. "Don't eat yellow snow!" 2. Laugh uproariously. 3. Wonder what odd taste in food is next time you eat there.