The Moon

BREAKING NEWS: Gaddafi killed by sex game. Choked on someone else's vomit.

BREAKING NEWS: Andrew Lansley believes NHS staff support his reforms. He also believes in fairies and trolls.

BREAKING NEWS: Liam Fox has friend.

BREAKING NEWS: Venice completely flooded!

In Nuneaton they don't have politics; they have fights.

No news happened today. Apologies readers.

Pope to appear om Mastermind. Specialist subject - The Life & Times of Jesus H. Christ #pope #benedict #catholics

Morrisons behind attack on Bristol Tesco #stokescroft #tesco

Goodluck beats off Hardluck and Badluck to become Nigeria's favourite Johnathan #nigeria #goodluckjohnathan

Ancelotti promises to donate single eyebrow to Chelsea trophy cabinet #chelsea #cfc

Rory McIlroy joins Andy Murray in list of once Great British sportsmen, now rubbish Celtic sportsmen #mcilroy #masters

Kroenke announces plans to rename Arsenal as London Galaxy and the Emirates Stadium will become the Emirates Enormodome #arsenal #kroenke

Rooney's face to be fined. Colleen latches onto the idea, fines his penis too. #mufc #rooney

Thomas Hitzlsperger's left foot given speeding ticket #whufc #hammer

Berlusconi - "Ballotelli is too wild to sign for Milan." Italy "You're our PM. Pot kettle." #mcfc

So we have killed off The Star. Next, we shall Eclipse The Sun! #dailystar #toeclipsethesun

#ff @jontybills @PKGould @mredinbrum @rhian__ @CharlieBarnes

Blackpool rocked by massive earthquake. Improvements made to architecture. #blackpool #earthquake

MEDIA NEWS: Jennifer Garner cast as Miss Marple. Rumours abound that Russell Brand will be cast as the next Sherlock Holmes.