I Won't Yell Tomorrow, I Swear

Parenting has alot in common with baseball: all win streaks end, some days you can't get a hit, and barely mentioning success will jinx you.

Wife, prone: This new mattress is great! Me, face down in pillows: Totally. It's probably the mattress I'll die on. #mattress #math

If it doesn't go in the dishwasher, it's not a gift.

Paw Patrol cheese sticks. FML. The good news? They ate 3 for lunch. The bad news? They ate 3 for lunch. *Out buying prunes.

End of Summer. The time of year 80's Dads resort to running around uselessly yelling "Master Blaster run Bartertown!"

Today's toddler nap has been brought to you by a flagrant waste of fossil fuel.

Every time I mention my sleeping kid's name to my wife in a text, he wakes up. Does this happen to anyone else? Seriously weird stuff.

This panel is so important and I appreciate all of your work. It will be great to meet you in person @DesignerDaddy. nitter.cf/DesignerDaddy/status/7…

This is awesome fatherhood work @fodada. I can't wait to learn more. nitter.cf/DadNCharge/status/7834…

3 am. Rocking the baby. Pull off the smoothest twinkle twinkle/you are my sunshine/clementine medley. Look around, slowly noding your head.

Another tough one...explaining to a 3 yo that "slip-on" shoes are helpful, not dangerous.

Which is easier...telling your spouse "Don't step on the thing on the floor," or simply picking it up.

Today's problem: explaining how wearing a shirt "outside in" is not the opposite of wearing it "inside out".

There are so many horrible things about having kids. Like stepping on chunks of banana in your bare feet.

Where can I take all the lace-up kids shoes to have them destroyed forever?

There's those hard lessons in life. Like don't touch a hot stove. And don't turn your ice cream cone upside down.

Teaching the toddler about anesthesia, so when I am her pretend patient she knows that falling asleep is a part of the process.

Hey child of mine, asking "Where's my mommy?" in public is waaaay different than "Where's mommy?".

PSA for dads: Spanx sure look alot like white capri pants for kids.

I'm pretty sure that telekinesis will be first achieved by a parent who needs to pick up a phone while holding a sleeping baby.