Tim Mitchell

"Give them a ring" "I've emailed" "Be quicker to ring" "I've sent a text as well" "Just ring them" "I'll send another email"

Three-word love stories: I’m making tea Can we cancel? Bank Holiday Monday Pigs in blankets Selection of cheeses It’s sunny outside It’s cold outside It’s raining outside Empty train carriage Who wants cake? Last parking space Fancy a pizza? Not bad yourself #threewordlovestories

More two-word horror stories: Eye contact Lunch meeting Surprise party Planned engineering Sing along Conference call Signal failure They’re here Team building Low carb Record highs Unexpected item You busy? Quick word Friend request Leg day Your parcel Tax return Happy birthday

Barbecue on Tuesday

Neighbour chat: “Alright?” “Not bad, thanks, you?” “Yeah not bad!” “Haha, see you later!” Then into the safety of your car, to wonder why you laughed so much for no reason

Phrases that mean nothing will happen: Leave it with me I’ll have a word I’ll see what I can find Consider it done I’ll make some calls I’ll think about it Certainly a possibility Let’s come back to that Good idea Maybe It’s on my list Might see you down there I’ll look into it

January dilemmas (From Very British Problems Volume 3: amzn.to/2vB58TR)

Four-word Christmas horror stories: Going to the shops There’s nowhere to park We’re out of cheese Let’s play a game! Delivered to a neighbour The family have arrived Get out the fridge End of the sellotape Decided what you want? I’ll have a think Don’t get me anything

Things you can never accept are empty: - butter tubs - toothpaste tubes - wine bottles/boxes - washing-up liquid - Marmite jars - any sauce bottle - deodorant cans - shampoo bottles - TV remote batteries - biros

Never sounding more alarmed than when entering a hotel room to discover “there’s no kettle?!?”

“Is anyone else cold?” - Translation: We appear to be working in a fridge