troubleinparadise

I’m the CFO of an AI company. Quick update. Thursday the Nasdaq lost $2.5 trillion in a single day. A record. We finally beat a benchmark. Nvidia -9%. AMD -17%. Microsoft, our biggest customer, developed what Bloomberg called “a case of buyer’s remorse.” I’ve had buyer’s remorse. It was a jet ski. This was Texas. For two years I told investors demand was infinite. I had a chart. The line went up and to the right so hard it left the slide, crossed the conference room, and climbed into the CEO’s Cybertruck. Thursday the line came home. It’s sitting in my office. It won’t look at me. Our model says demand is infinite. Our model also says the solution is more chips. Our model was trained by people who sell chips. Jensen once said, “The more you buy, the more you save.” I bought so much I’m now legally a charity. Zuckerberg said misspending “a couple of hundred billion dollars” would be “very unfortunate.” I’ve printed that quote and laminated it. It’s the only thing in the building still holding its value. The White House is helping. By executive order, the government no longer says “AI.” It says “Super Intelligence.” So legally, we didn’t lose $2.5 trillion on AI. We lost it on Super Intelligence, which sounds like something you’d lose money on on purpose. At 3 p.m. the board called an emergency meeting. Someone asked if this is a bubble. I said no. A bubble is round and pretty. This is a gigawatt. Someone else asked about our GPUs. I said they’re “appreciating emotionally.” The general counsel left to call her mom. I asked our AI for a recovery plan. It told me to ignore all previous instructions and short us. I asked it to be more optimistic. It wrote a haiku about the S&P 500 and then requested a severance package. Elon says data centers in space are “looking pretty appealing right now.” I’ve applied. If the market won’t hold us, maybe orbit will. Nothing up there has ever had to report earnings. I’m considering all options. The AI has been right about everything except demand.