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Absurd World

@Absurd__World
Joined March 2022
  • Tweets36.1K
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  • Followers16.9K
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Absurd World (@Absurd__World) profile picture
Absurd World
@Absurd__WorldOct 31
Unrest in Germany Berlin: A chaotic night. Fire and chaos in the streets. #Berlin #Protest
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Green God (@iGreenGod) profile picture
Green God@iGreenGodOct 31
GTA 6 is three weeks away. I already got the day off work approved. My wife already got her mom's flight booked for the same day.
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Green God@iGreenGodOct 31
Scariest words on Halloween night: "I need to pee." From a kid zipped inside a full-body dinosaur costume.
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Green God (@iGreenGod) profile picture
Green God@iGreenGodOct 31
My wife hid the Halloween candy twice. Once from the kids, once from me. The kids found theirs in ten minutes. I'm still looking.
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Green God (@iGreenGod) profile picture
Green God@iGreenGodOct 31
Halloween costume idea for married men: Go as a guy who was asked his opinion.
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Green God (@iGreenGod) profile picture
Green God@iGreenGodOct 31
Halloween at 12: get all the candy. Halloween at 40: lie on the floor upstairs with the lights off until the doorbell gives up.
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Green God (@iGreenGod) profile picture
Green God@iGreenGodOct 31
15 years of marriage. The most excited anyone's been to see me at the door is a kid dressed as a taco.
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Green God (@iGreenGod) profile picture
Green God@iGreenGodOct 30
My toddler hugged me and whispered, "You're my best friend." My heart melted. Two minutes later, he told my wife where I hide the chips. For one cookie.
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Green God (@iGreenGod) profile picture
Green God@iGreenGodOct 30
I used to have standards. Now I have a wife who has enough for both of us.
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Green God (@iGreenGod) profile picture
Green God@iGreenGodOct 30
Me: "One room for two nights, please. Somewhere quiet. No kids, no calls, no responsibilities." Receptionist: "Sir, this is the maternity ward. Your wife is in Room 4."
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Green God (@iGreenGod) profile picture
Green God@iGreenGodOct 30
A husband's "I'll do it later" and a wife's "Fine, I'll do it myself" are the same chore, 40 seconds apart.
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Green God (@iGreenGod) profile picture
Green God@iGreenGodOct 30
I woke up feeling productive. Then I sat on the edge of the bed for 22 minutes. That was the productivity.
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Jack Black (@Topcoin888) profile picture
Jack Black
@Topcoin888Oct 30
Finishing a night shift when everybody else is starting their day Sunglasses out, bedtime ahead 🌞 Say "Night shift" if your morning runs in reverse
Image from Jack Black (@Topcoin888)
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Ｈ ｅ ｒ ｏ (@ReLLoO) profile picture
Ｈ ｅ ｒ ｏ
@ReLLoOOct 30
Nobody gets the old me back, that version has retired
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Absurd World (@Absurd__World) profile picture
Absurd World
@Absurd__WorldOct 30
🚨 BREAKING Defiant crowds alongside allied MPs are tearing down the fencing erected by the capital's heavily armed security forces. ​Tensions are at an all-time high right now.🇵🇱 #Poland #BreakingNews #Polska
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Ralux (@Ralux123) profile picture
Ralux
@Ralux123Oct 30
Used salt instead of sugar and caught it before serving A fresh bowl is probably the best next step 🍰 Say "Again" if you are giving the recipe another shot
Image from Ralux (@Ralux123)
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Dolia (@DoliaNft) profile picture
Dolia
@DoliaNftOct 30
The shop owner turns the lights down before you finish catching up Say "Again" if talking to that friend always runs past closing time Next time you might need somewhere that stays open later
Image from Dolia (@DoliaNft)
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Jasmine (@Jasmi_eth) profile picture
Jasmine
@Jasmi_ethOct 30
You've read the invitation so often that every word looks wrong Reply "Fresh eyes" if asking someone to check would save you another hour 📄 They might spot what you've stopped seeing
Image from Jasmine (@Jasmi_eth)
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Hana (@Hana_okx) profile picture
Hana
@Hana_okxOct 30
First time in the walking group, and someone points out where the routes are listed Reply "Useful welcome" if practical directions make joining easier 🥾 Much better than guessing which old conversation has the map
Image from Hana (@Hana_okx)
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Sulye (@Sulye_eth) profile picture
Sulye
@Sulye_ethOct 30
Someone says the tutorial skips the exact part you needed Reply "Exactly" if you've been quietly thinking the same thing 💬 The magic jump from pieces to finished wasn't very helpful
Image from Sulye (@Sulye_eth)
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