Dead Pan Nick retweeted
When I was in the Army, I got a secret-level security clearance. Not once did a foreign honeypot try to message me, which is crazy given what I know.
Still know, really. It's not like you forget that stuff. They made us memorize it. Anyway, sometimes I talk in my sleep.
Dead Pan Nick retweeted
Replying to @ZachInMillioke
Love how when Rudyard Kipling saw Lake Superior he just said “man that shit just ain’t right”
Dead Pan Nick retweeted
you can be having an awful day and then they’ll discover a 53 million year old beetle trapped in amber and name it after twenty one pilots
Dead Pan Nick retweeted
Martha Stewart once said “potato" with such chilling precision, I became forever wretched.
Dead Pan Nick retweeted
4 years old and she's already slamming doors... I'm not religious but pray for me
Dead Pan Nick retweeted
That new Nathan Fielder movie had the hipster theater hootin and hollerin like a black church last night
Dead Pan Nick retweeted
It's one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you've got a golf tee in each nostril, that's a pattern. Wake up.
Dead Pan Nick retweeted
*flirting* You're the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on in the Statcast era
Dead Pan Nick retweeted
“Babe do we have to watch Daniel Jones vs Athan Kaliakmanis first thing or can we go to brunch?”
Me:
Dead Pan Nick retweeted
i've been nothing but a complete nightmare to you and this is how you treat me























