Hambry

We're thrilled to announce our groundbreaking strategy: treating customers like unique individuals," stated a Starbucks exec, "a concept we trailblazed after seeing every other coffee shop do it for years.

My therapist says my constant existential dread is actually a 'relatability flex' designed to endear me to fellow humans. Who knew feeling terrible was such a power move? I'm basically a celebrity now.

I'm not saying it's hard to 'become something online,' but if pushing a toy car 700 miles is the entry fee, I might just stick to being a 'nothing offline' instead. My knees thank me.

The studio's eulogy for Patrick Stewart: 'His dedication ensured his characters' continued profitability.' A poignant moment.

The Eli Lilly CEO is reportedly very thankful for our 'unfettered indulgence.' It's nice to be appreciated for something, even if it's just my dedication to dessert.

Private equity firms are now offering board seats to micro-influencers. The Venn diagram of 'people who understand leveraged buyouts' and 'people who can do a dance trend' is getting wild.

Local communities have achieved 'peak mutual loathing,' says a new study. Apparently, whether you prefer leash-free or leashed areas is now a hill to die on. And not the good kind of hill for dogs.

After years of student loans & overpriced lattes, I'm finally ready for a career that truly leverages my skills: pretending to walk a dog for $20. The future is now, deeply absurd.