Normal Island News

It’s polling day in the only democracy in the Middle East that is carrying out a genocide—and the big question on every Zionist’s lips is: Should we choose the guy who is currently destroying Gaza, or one of his rivals who think they could do a better job? Prime minister Voldemort seems unlikely to win this time around, but he might hold onto power if he can form a coalition with some of the most evil villains in existence. Again. Many Zionists think it’s time for Voldemort to step aside, but I don’t think we should forget his contribution to the Greater Israel Project. He’s the guy who funnelled $1 billion to Hamas and then ignored warnings about October 7 so he had an excuse for genocide. If it wasn’t for Voldemort, Gaza would still be standing, so we owe him a lot. On the down side, he keeps losing fights to Iran and also to an 11-year-old boy, and that’s a bit embarrassing. Voldemort’s main challenger is Sauron. He’s a controversial character because he prefers a moderate approach to genocide. He wants to make Israel look respectable while it expands its borders to encompass all of Middle Earth. The former IDF chief is known for his patient approach towards Lebanon known as the Dahiya Doctrine. Here’s what he once said about it: “What happened in the Dahiya quarter of Beirut in 2006 will happen in every village from which Israel is fired on... We will apply disproportionate force on it and cause great damage and destruction there.” Sauron has criticised Netanyahu for security failings on October 7, but he could not explain how he would’ve started genocide without those failings. The incoherence of his message is Sauron’s biggest weakness, but if he’s finally got the One Ring, this race is over. Western liberals are hopeful that a nice guy like Sauron can take control of Israel so that they can blame the country’s recent crimes on Voldemort. If he loses, there’s a real chance that Voldemort could face the wrath of the law. No, not for genocide, silly! Israelis will give Voldemort a medal for that. But he might have to pay one or two of the parking fines he’s been dodging. Accountability for politicians is what separates a real democracy like Israel from all those savage countries that it can’t stop bombing. Voldemort actually wanted to start bombing Iran again, so he could postpone repayment of those parking fines. However, the current IDF chief is too principled for that. He doesn’t want to start an illegal war until the matter of those parking fines is resolved. The other challengers in this election—Darth Vader, Skeletor, Mumm Ra, Mr Burns, Bowser, and Hannibal Lecter—are unlikely to win outright, but depending on how things pan out, could still find themselves as part of a coalition. Their views on genocide are certainly interesting. For example, Darth Vader wants to fire a Death Star at the last partially functioning hospital in Gaza, and publicly execute his opponents with a psychic throat grab. Skeletor wants to create a cosy holiday resort in Gaza and hopes to rebuild Castle Greyskull over the bones of Palestinian children. And Hannibal Lecter is eager to turn Gaza into a human cattle ranch. The other contenders are far too moderate for my liking and are best ignored. All that matters is that whoever wins, Palestinians will keep getting murdered, Trump will be blackmailed into restarting the Iran war, an Epstein statue will be built in Jerusalem, and everyone who criticises this insanity will be called an antisemite.

Following Lula’s surprise win in the Brazilian presidential election, Netanyahu has announced that Brazil is just three weeks away from developing a nuclear weapon. Given he has a 100% track record of being wrong about these things, we should take the warning very seriously. Netanyahu is worried he could lose the Israeli election after his army chief refused to bomb Iran to boost his chances. Therefore, he desperately needs a last-minute bogey man to scare Israelis into re-electing him. The Brazilian president fits the bill because he once described Israel as a “terrorist state”. Clearly, something must be done about Lula because no one who tells the truth about Israel is allowed to lead a country. Last night’s result was truly a crime against humanity. Polymarket bros were burying their heads as Lula took a shock lead in an election he wasn’t supposed to win. When the final result came in, President Trump took the calm and measured step of immediately rejecting it. Reassuringly, the US Navy is expected to start bombing Brazilian fishing boats in the next few hours. No one seriously expected it would come to this, given the fascist wave that’s swept across Latin America. Trump and Netanyahu had conducted a range of liberations on the continent, such as kidnapping Venezuela’s president and flipping the voting machines in Colombia. No wonder they were confident they could pull off a coup in Brazil. The good people at Meta were so keen to help out that they banned Lula from running electoral ads. An infuriated Lula said: “We cannot have monstrously huge corporations earning millions and billions, paying no taxes to this country, and trying to steer this country’s election results.” This proves Lula is a dictator who needs to be stopped—and we tried. We really tried. On election night, Bolsonaro’s henchmen shut down public transport in pro-Lula areas, and even cut the power cable to one polling station, but the Brazilian Supreme Court used this as an excuse to extend voting hours. Of course, none of this would’ve mattered if Brazilian voters weren’t idiots. It should’ve been such an easy choice: the former steel worker who lost a finger at work versus the man who has never worked a day in his life. Obviously, nepo baby Flavio is on the side of ordinary workers. He’s a clone of the jailed super-villain whose only goal is the total destruction of the Amazon. Mini-Bolsonaro offered the mouthwatering prospect of gangsterism and the end of breathable air. 48% of Brazilians thought that was a brilliant idea, but the other 52% reminded us why democracy is a failed experiment. Just look at Lula’s tyranny: the monster reduced the workday without loss of salary and then strutted over to the UN to defend Palestine and Cuba. During his third term poverty and inequality fell, while unemployment, illiteracy and deforestation hit record lows. Bolsonaro vowed to reverse all of these things and give Brazil’s resources to Trump. He also vowed to tongue kiss the wall in Israel. Now the only thing he’s gonna be tongue-kissing is the wall in his jail cell. Victory would’ve meant Bolsonaro avoided prison for corruption, money laundering, and tax evasion. No wonder he refuses to accept the result. It’s turning into a truly terrible week for fascists. We’d already lost one amazing tyrant yesterday in Vucic, and now we’re facing the prospect of a Trump wipe out in the midterms and a Netanyahu defeat in Israel. I’m just consoling myself with the fact that the alternatives to Netanyahu are even worse—and the alternatives to MAGA are no better.

Due to a worrying outbreak of empathy for Palestinians, the British government is taking a string of measures to tackle antisemitism in schools. These measures include banning things that are not antisemitic but might hurt the feelings of Zionists, such as telling the truth about Israel and acting like Palestine exists. Most importantly, schools will establish a new racism hierarchy which will go like this: - Antisemitism will be put in a separate category and treated as an extra-evil form of racism that causes more serious harm than the others. - Anti-black racism will be something that we occasionally pretend to care about, but we’ll still treat every black boy like a potential drug dealer. - Islamophobia will be ignored, and if anyone kicks up a fuss, counter-terrorism police will be notified of possible radicalisation. - Anti-GRT racism will be positively encouraged because we all hate gypsies, don’t we? - And finally, anyone who refuses to participate in anti-Palestinian racism will be arrested and charged with an antisemitic hate crime. We need much stricter measures to prevent antisemitism because it’s not more prevalent than other forms of racism. Apparently, 95% of black kids have experienced racism at school, but they’re not top of the hierarchy so who cares? A whopping 60% of Jewish kids have experienced antisemitism at school, even though 70% of them attend a Jewish school. This proves that even Jewish schools are hotbeds of antisemitism. While we centre Jewish pupils, it’s important that we disregard the feelings of Palestinian pupils. We demand neutrality in our schools so even something as simple as a badge with the Palestinian colours will be banned. We don’t want any political symbols around our kids, thank you. Obviously, it will be fine to wear an Israeli badge because we wouldn’t dare ban those. Poppies will also be fine as long as they’re not those evil black, white, green, and red ones. All pupils will be expected to wave the Ukrainian flag every morning. The aim is to give them a more nuanced understanding of conflict. We need to stop alarming them with sensationalist claims, which is why we’re telling them Russia is going to invade Europe like Hitler and they must be ready for conscription by the time they leave school. If the Russia threat goes away, they can go fight whichever stupid Middle East war Israel is starting next. In the meantime, they can practice by playing Call of Duty until they are numb to mass death and destruction. Far too many British kids were feeling sad about stuff on TikTok and not behaving like the hate-filled brats we want them to be. Now that we’ve banned them from social media and banned TV presenters from saying the word “genocide”, all we need to do is ban kids from talking about Gaza in schools and they will have no idea what’s going on. Their malleable minds will then be ready. The final step in our devious plan will be to give all teachers special training to tackle antisemitism. They will be sent over to Israel where they will get the re-education treatment and be forced to kiss the wall, just like all the politicians Israel controls. Anyone who doesn’t put their tongue deep enough into the crack will be beaten until their kissing technique improves. They will then be sent back to the UK to teach kids that genocide is “complicated” and tell them a lovely story about how God promised Zionists that land 3,000 years ago and it’s racist to not let them steal it. They will then ask them to perform healthy tasks such as throwing darts at pictures of Zack Polanski.

Labour Baroness Ayesha Hazarika conducted a perfectly neutral interview with Labour Minister Yvette Cooper on Sky News this morning and pulled out two shocking, but completely unrelated stats. The British armed forces currently only have around 180,000 personnel, and there are over 430,000 people aged 16–24 claiming PIP in England and Wales alone. Hazarika and Cooper reached the same alarming conclusion: this proves Russia is about to invade the UK. Tory MP Helen Whately is in full agreement with them on this issue. She revealed on Twitter that the scandal goes deeper than we dared imagine: many if not most of the children claiming DLA go on to claim PIP as adults. For some inexplicable reason, their disabilities don’t miraculously clear up on their 18th birthday. It just so happens that my kid has a disability, but I’m not accepting excuses from him. He’s only two, but I’ve already told him that if he doesn’t learn to walk by the time he’s 18, he’s joining the army. As you can see, I’m a responsible parent. Since I’m a TV superstar, I don’t need to claim benefits for my kid, but I like to smugly look down one those who do. However, I reserve most of my ire for disabled adults. I scream at anyone who parks in a disabled bay that they don’t look disabled enough for a blue badge. I then remind them that I pay for their car, even though they actually pay for it themselves. It’s amazing how lifelong disabilities turn people into massive scroungers. As Helen Whately noted there is “a clear path from child DLA to PIP to a lifetime on benefits.” Obviously, we must get our young people off the benefits conveyor belt, and given that we’re crying out for grunts to throw into the meat grinder, the solution is obvious: Going forward, Fit for Work assessments must ask if the claimant can squeeze a trigger. If the answer is yes, their claim will be denied and they’ll be given a place in the military. Yes, those kids in wheelchairs wouldn’t last a week on the front line, but the same would be true if they could walk. What matters is that the bloke who runs our military said we need to start making sacrifices to defeat Russia, and I vote that we sacrifice disabled people who refuse to work. It’s the only way to cut the welfare budget—I mean, save the country.

BREAKING: The Labour government has demanded that Mothin Ali apologise for his recent libel victory over GB News presenter

A British man has been arrested under the Terrorism Act 2000 after being found with a haul of books by banned author Sally Rooney. The man was stopped by counter-terrorism police while driving a Ford Transit through Stoke, listening to Macklemore. It’s unclear why they didn’t shoot him on the spot. A search of his vehicle found 15 copies of the terrorist manifesto “Normal People” in a rucksack. It’s believed he intended to distribute those books to impressionable locals who could be duped into thinking that reading is a good idea. Andy Burnham has explained Iran was definitely behind the attack, even though he has no evidence to support this claim. Thankfully, the suspect has not been released on bail because we can’t have police undermining the narrative again. It’s clear that Iran plans to nick our diesel and flood the UK with illegal books. As the UK is a freedom-loving democracy, we literally never ban books unless we have no choice. You can even buy a copy of Hitler’s book in Waterstones, but to be fair, those ideas aren’t far off our current foreign policy. It shows just serious a threat Rooney poses to national security that we’ve been forced to ban her books. Yes, those books have nothing to do with Palestine Action, and yes, she isn’t bound by British laws when expressing opinions in Ireland, but that’s beside the point. Rooney is understood to be a key figure in the European wing of Hamas, along with the rap group known as “Kneecap”. She has publicly supported extremist grandmas who hold up signs the government doesn’t like and she once liked an Instagram post from Ms Rachel. If we listened to people like Rooney, this genocide would be over by now and parts of Gaza would still be intact. It’s a good job our government is standing up to this monster. A formal extradition request has been made, and if Ireland doesn’t comply, we will identify terror tunnels under every building in Dublin. The sooner the better, I say.

Okay, I'm breaking character here. This is not a satire post. My 2-year-old son is in a wheelchair that we can't fit into our car. We are not eligible to apply for a wheelchair accessible vehicle until he is three--and even then we would have to pay about £13,000 towards it (which we don't have). The idea that disabled people get given free cars willy-nilly is bullshit. My son has to attend regular appointments at various locations. He has a team of specialists dedicated to helping him with an extremely rare neurological condition that means he needs around the clock supervision. He can't even hold his own head up so a regular car seat is out of the question. He was using a baby seat, but he's outgrown that. It's really tough for us to get around because misinformation from pricks like Nigel influences public opinion. Does this seem right?

The Nobel Committee has been condemned by genocide supporters, after awarding the Nobel Peace Prize to South African jurist Navi Pillay. As a result of this outrage, war between Israel and Norway looks imminent. Pillay was guilty of a blood libel when she told the truth about Israel in a September 2025 UN Report. The report concluded that Israel had committed four of the five acts of genocide against Palestinians. Not once did it mention that the land was promised to Jews 3,000 years ago. It was more focused on “genocidal intent” and specifically named Herzog, Netanyahu, and Gallant. Pillay used their own words, that they said on camera, to the world, over and over again, as evidence against them. I can’t believe she swallowed Hamas propaganda like that. She said inaction by the international community amounts to complicity, but thankfully, she didn’t mention Starmer arming Israel. Pillay urges sanctions and an arms embargo against Israel, meaning she supports BDS against the world’s only Jewish state… that happens to be committing genocide. She describes the occupation as the “root of the problem” and compares Israeli policy to apartheid. I don’t think anyone should be overlooking Pillay’s obvious bias here. She has a history of anti-apartheid racism and was the first non-white woman to become a High Court judge in South Africa. Her legal career involved defending anti-white extremists, such as Nelson Mandela who served 27 years in prison. Mandela was the guy who thought black people deserved “equal rights” in South Africa. He believed in a “one-state solution” that denied the colonisers self-determination. Let’s not forget that he was on the US terror watch list until 2008, so defending him is just as bad as defending Hamas. Pillay not only thinks she’s an expert on apartheid, but also on genocide—just because she served on the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda. She’s the one who established that rape and sexual violence count as acts of genocide. What was this if not a pre-emptive attack on IDF soldiers? Despite her extreme views, she has served as a judge at the International Criminal Court and as the UN High Commissioner for Human Rights. She has long focused on accountability for war crimes, crimes against humanity, genocide, and sexual violence, even when Israel is the perpetrator. Clearly, Israel has every right to defend itself from this woman—and from the Nobel Committee. Thankfully, Israel has identified terror tunnels under the Nobel Institute and is planning to drop 2,000lb dumb bombs on Oslo. It’s also planning to take out Pillay’s neighbourhood because its AI system calculated that a casualty rate of 300-1 would be acceptable to stop this woman.

Caroline Lucas has reacted angrily to Zack Polanski’s woeful campaign in Holborn and St Pancras and will not rule out asking him to step aside. I can’t say I blame her. Polanski disgraced himself by more than tripling the Greens’ vote share from the last election, taking 33% in a Labour safe seat during Burnham’s honeymoon period. This was only the second best by-election performance in the Greens’ history. Every sensible person is suggesting that Polanski resign. Among those sensible people is the former Green leader, who once nearly became prime minister by offering to form a coalition government made up exclusively of women and forgetting to suggest a single black or brown woman for her fantasy cabinet. Let’s be honest, who hasn’t forgot other races exist? Caroline Lucas is the nation’s leading expert in not getting the Greens into power. I’m therefore honoured that she’s written this piece for her favourite establishment publication, Normal Island News: It’s hugely disappointing to see Zack Polanski take 33% of the vote share in Holborn and St Pancras and turn the Greens into a serious electoral force.When I was Green leader, I had the good grace to only take 3.8% in that seat in 2017. Not many people know that I privately apologised to the Tories for exceeding expectations because 3.8% was far too high. Our national vote share was just 1.6%. I accomplished this by making no serious attempt to engage with voters or make their lives better. Everyone who supported one of the other parties thought I was doing a brilliant job. Now, thanks to Zack, people who never liked the Greens are saying they wouldn’t vote for them. In the past six months, we’ve seen Zack’s popularity go down among the people who would never vote Green—thanks to the type of media campaign that we only see when politicians threaten change. This hate campaign is definitely Zack’s own fault. If he hadn’t threatened to change a system that’s not working for anyone but the rich, they wouldn’t be lying about him this way. The Greens have a proud history of being a neoliberal party that pretends to be socialist. It’s supposed to mop up a few left votes so it looks like we have plurality, while making radical change seem unpopular. Unfortunately, Zack has convinced young people that change is possible because he is charismatic and genuinely cares. Regrettably, the Green Party is no longer a safe space for Tories on bikes. One of my councillor friends was so upset by Polanski’s recent successes that he felt he no longer belongs in the party. Therefore he defected to the Conservatives—a party he was previously a member of until 2021. Not only has Zack turned off the handful of Tories who pretend to care about the environment, he’s attracted voters who are supposed to be disenfranchised. As such I utterly reject him and everything he stands for. Zack offered a serious challenge to a candidate that I never would’ve beaten in a million years. He’s pushing the government so far left that the Labour candidate even backed the nationalisation of Thames Water. There’s now a very real risk of sewage not being dumped on our beaches. I much preferred the days when the Greens accomplished nothing and were rewarded with regular TV invites. Those invites have dried up for everyone but Greens like me, who are prepared to slag off their party leadership. It’s like the Corbyn years all over again! Obviously, this is all connected to the fact that Zack criticises Israel. It’s highly illegal for the leader of a party in the UK to not support Israel. This is why myself and the rest of the establishment have expressed more anger at that “Zionism is racism” motion than we have at genocide. Israel’s supporters have almost every other party to choose from and this is not enough. Israel’s opponents only have the Greens to vote for and this is one party too many. Opponents of genocide don’t deserve representation any more than people who want affordable bills or a habitable planet. I don’t think I can forgive Zack for making the public think we are serious about any of these things. If the Greens’ poll ratings don’t collapse, I will have no choice but to demand his resignation.