Did you know you can just start screaming, basically anywhere. It’s not illegal or anything
Joined March 2009
- Tweets16.2K
- Following530
- Followers251
- Likes3.2K
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If I’m not mistaken, Dr Who is sounding a bit Bristolian! I very much approve of a West Country Time Lord. Gurt lush. #BrizzleDrWho
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Maria, minding her business, walking up the aisle on the happiest day of her life:
The Nuns: how do you fix this absolute CLOWN of a woman
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“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
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When you write a tweet you NEVER know what reaction you're going to get, from good, to bad, to the absolutely batshit crazy.
If you ever needed proof that you can't please all of the people, all of the time, these are some of my favourite reactions to tweets I've written.
THREAD
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'She wants to be flowers, but you make her owls. You must not complain, then, if she goes hunting.'
The plate that triggered the plot of The Owl Service, at the Fantasy exhibition at the British Library. I stared at it for a long, long time...
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Children in Need is a coersive begging festival, raising money for services that should be provided by local or national Government
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Two men in Hackney (in heavily accented English).
Man 1: I wish you new happiness.
Man 2: And I wish you every Christmas.
Man 1: Thank you.
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Bald eagles tend to mate for life: their courtship display is quite amazing.
[📹 Tohid Azimi / ta2020photography]
nitter.cf/froggyups/status/17366…
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Channel 4 ‘Dispatches’ investigation into Jessie J’s Hertfordshire abattoir makes number of serious allegations:
• Workers paid as little as £2.15 per hour
• Meat stored improperly
• Employees banned from using the toilet while on shift
• No fire safety plan in place
• Sacked staff were made into burgers
• Kylie Minogue also slaughtered following stint as interim boss
• Covid protocols not followed
• No diversity training for senior staff
A spokesperson for the singer-turned-abattoir owner said she denies all the allegations
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Teenager talking to his friend: I can’t get in, because someone’s got the key to my crib.
Woman next to him: Mum. His mum’s got the key (she pats her pocket) Because it’s her crib.
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My dad always used to say "when you're in a hole, stop digging."
Lovely man, terrible archaeologist
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On a busy tram the woman standing up opposite says to me “you’re the double of Cher”. The chap next to me could speak little English “you want my chair?” “No” the lady replied “she looks like Cher.” “He was still confused so I sang I Got You Babe & he looked at me like I was mad.
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Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said "alright, mate! What you up to there?" I replied "hey just having a shit". An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said "I'll have to call you back, mate…." I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
@adamnieman Julian?
Four weeks to Christmas and you're wondering what to get for the Sad Old Git in your life. Well, look no further! (There are also some Sad Young Gits out there, so fill your fur-trimmed boots)
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