Tatchester Parish Council

Are you in charge of nobbling and scrobbling? Does it all go wrong? Don't miss our spring, business-hothouse seminar: Successful Scrobbling (and nobbling) for SMEs. Sign up at the Condicote Rectory. Refreshments provided @brown_abner @foxyfacedcharl1 @chubbyjoe1

Are you considering a move to the countryside? Why not try Tatshire? Burglaries, exploding theological colleges, floods, 18-foot whiteout blizzards caused by demons, abductions and posset hallucinations were down by 8% in 2023! So why not give us a try? Please...

Please note the council will not be collecting unwanted Christmas trees, or indeed any other rubbish, until March the 18th. Please stop chasing our refuse appliances

NB. The Council runs only a skeleton service over the holidays. Please use the following for enquiries: Scrobbling - Tatchester 321 @brown_abner Scrounging - Tatshire 123 @foxyfacedcharl1 Transportation @chauffeurjim Missing jewellery and children- @Condicote7000

Are you a dab hand in the kitchen? Do you know a thing or two about jorums? Why not join our Boxing Day Best Posset competition outside Tatchester Tea Rooms? Winner receives a lifetime's supply of dog biscuits

The Council thanks @brown_abner for his generous donation of 28 tonnes of dog biscuits. It's lovely to have some good news amidst all these disappearing children and clergy

Public Service Announcement: posset ingredients running low in Tatshire. Please do your bit and donate any spare eggs, milk and nutmeg by the jorum to the council offices

Please only use licensed taxicabs when visiting Tatchester over the Christmas period. If yours sprouts wings please file a report promptly

Delighted to announce that the council has granted planning permission for a drive thru Possets R Us in Tatchester, and a 24-hour Possets-2-Go on the Condicote borders

The council is delighted to report that scrobblings and knobblings are down by 2.1% this year in the diocese. Parishioners can shop with confidence and even travel to Condicote in relative safety (to last year) @Condicote7000

A festive reminder to use inclusive language around the diocese this year! #LargerThanUsualJoe @chubbyjoe1

The council will not be increasing the budget for snow ploughs, snow shovellers, gritting or any other snow related preventative things. Total waste of parishioners money as it is due to be mild this year

Thank you to everyone in the Diocese, young, old, human and otherwise, for another successful Yule. At one point, it seemed we wouldn't make the 1000th service, but with adequate social distancing and some unusual transport for His Grace all was well.

Possets2Go now selling instant dessicated posset mixture, "Just add hot water. It takes the misery out of posset making for every housewife or domestic," apparently. @EllenHousemaid

Public service announcement: please exercise caution when travelling at night on the Condicote-Tatchester border as the wolves are most definitely running this year. And they will run us close, as ever since pagan times