Quarantined Anders

My twitter account is 97.9% pharmaceutical-grade purified humor.

I drank one and parallel parked the Staten Island Ferry. Hazards on. “I’ll be two minutes.”

Halloween? More like Hallowoke!

Wild this is actually a Halloween costume.

“You’ll Love Coming Home” The hallway light is on, somebody’s heard your key, and your grand entrance is immediately interrupted by a hug. The band manages to work around it.

“Once Upon a Time Can Happen Anytime.” Two people think they’re having an ordinary Thursday. Then one holds the door, the other stays to talk, and the pianist begins to suspect this is how the story starts.

Good Morning. These mugs are now available for $300 apiece. All proceeds go directly toward maintaining the horn section's standard of living.

Ina Garten is on the roof firing profiteroles from a Civil War cannon.

Hell of a day at Good Morning Gorgeous. My theme song changed keys seven times, the string section had its own green room and during the final chorus, a hydraulic platform lifted me 30 feet above the audience. We haven’t started the show yet. We’re still on the opening credits.

My stunt double picked a hell of a week to quit.

[HR Meeting] “Didn’t realize I couldn’t call people Jumbotron.”

“Don’t Get Me Started!” Someone asks how life’s been treating me. An innocent question. I have a wife, daughters, and the innate instincts of a Vegas headliner. I have absolutely no intention of giving a short answer.

“Goddamn Great!” 11:00 PM in Manhattan. Making a persuasive case for cold champagne, warm company, and homemade bread that arrives with enough compound butter. The pianist keeps finding another chord. We keep finding another reason to love being alive.

“Some Things Never Go Out of Style.” The room is beautiful, but the way someone remembers your name is what makes you want to stay. Bright piano, sparkling repartee and a band dressed impeccably for the occasion. Naturally everyone looks marvelous without appearing to have tried.

You’re from Rancho Mirage, CA? No, you’re not. That place absolutely does not exist.