Farty B

It is the year 2029. All humans live in harmony. Denise's Facebook status that ended racism forever is etched in stone at the Smithsonian.

I’m obsessed with people misusing the word obsessed.

I’m gonna ball out tonight* *not put my testicles away properly

Wednesday is my favorite weekday because I don’t have to drive my kids to practice for any of the sports I forced them to sign up for.

My wife’s fat dog licked my face and now my beard smells like cat shit.

You can all stop looking. I’m at my in-laws’ and have located the most boomerish thing in the entire universe.

I’ve had 15 years to prepare for Thursday’s wedding anniversary, so thank god for Amazon Prime next day delivery.

When i call my doctors office, they would like me to please listen closely because their phone menu options HAVE BEEN THE SAME FOR THE LAST 8 FUCKING YEARS.

My wife when I tell her why I can’t go to Lowes today to get that thing she said we need for the garden or whatever.

Cucumbers aren’t *that* cool.

That fart has me questioning every decision I’ve made in the last 72 hours.

I would sooner place a cinder block on the gas pedal of my car and run it into a lake than donate it to the organization that made this awful awful commercial and song.

What’s the deal with trees like hey look at me I’m a 50-foot tall living thing, oh yeah and I’m also made entirely out of wood lol wtf

Watch The Rehearsal on HBO. Fuck.

Our cleaning lady is a kook. She recommended a plumber to install a couple of sinks in our house, and he turned out to be a kook. Lesson: don’t take referrals from kooks if you want to break the kook cycle.

I just watched 34 TikToks in a row about how not to procrastinate, instead of doing my work.

Everybody: My mother in law: You guys hungry, you want a snack? The snack:

[person opens the door to the one-toilet restroom that I’m currently occupying] oop

What’s up with towels? Hey I’m gonna rub this piece of fabric all over my body until I’m not wet anymore.

I just ordered Doordash McDonald’s 5 seconds ago where the fuck is it.

One thing about being back in an office environment is that I can no longer stand up and go “woop time to shit!” when my 9:16am coffee dump kicks in.