Driver 13

THE GODZILLA MARGIN CALL IS NEAR MOTHER FUCKERS TELL YOUR WIFE’S SISTER’S PRIEST, HIS BROTHER’S MISTRESS, HER DENTIST’S PAROLE OFFICER, HIS TAXIDERMIST’S EXORCIST, THEIR HAMSTER’S DIVORCE LAWYER, YOUR PLUMBER’S SIDEPIECE, THE GUY SELLING YOUR THERAPIST GAS STATION RHINO PILLS, HIS STEPSON’S DIVORCE DJ, YOUR AUNT’S EMOTIONAL SUPPORT PLUMBER, THE GUY WHO WAXES BIGFOOT, BIGFOOT’S WAXER’S DISCREET RECEPTIONIST, YOUR BARBER’S SECRET SECOND BARBER, THE WOMAN WHO BRINGS A NOTARY TO BRUNCH, HER THIRD HUSBAND’S SECOND FAVORITE EX-WIFE, YOUR COUSIN’S PRENUP PROOFREADER, THE ELECTRICIAN WHO CALLS EVERY LOOSE WIRE A SITUATIONSHIP, HIS ROOMMATE’S FORMER ROOMMATE’S CURRENT ALIBI, YOUR UNCLE’S WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER WHO OFFERS A FREQUENT GROOM DISCOUNT, THE FLOWER GIRL’S UNION REPRESENTATIVE, THE COUPLES COUNSELOR WHO MADE THEM ARGUE IN A DIFFERENT FONT, THE WOMAN WHO PUT HER DIVORCE ATTORNEY DOWN AS HER EMERGENCY CONTACT, HER NAIL TECH’S SECRET NAIL TECH, YOUR GRANDMA’S BINGO RIVAL’S WITNESS PROTECTION HAIRDRESSER, THE UNCLE WHO BRINGS A GUITAR TO FAMILY THERAPY, HIS GUITAR TEACHER’S CEASE-AND-DESIST ATTORNEY, YOUR COUSIN’S EMOTIONAL SUPPORT BOUNCER, HER EXORCIST’S ANGER MANAGEMENT COACH, HIS LANDLORD’S ANKLE MONITOR CUSTOMER SERVICE SUPERVISOR, THE GUY WHO REPOSSESSES UNPAID WEDDING DOVES, YOUR AUNT’S WITNESS PROTECTION WIG STYLIST, THE COUSIN WHO SAYS HE KNOWS A GUY AND THEN CALLS HIS MOM, THAT MOM’S GUY, YOUR COUSIN’S DESTINATION WEDDING’S HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR, HER PLUS-ONE WHO INTRODUCES HIMSELF WITH HIS CREDIT SCORE, THE GUY WHO NAMED HIS FIRSTBORN EBITDA AND HIS SECOND ONE ADJUSTED EBITDA, THE THIRD CHILD HE CLASSIFIED AS A NONRECURRING EXPENSE, YOUR ACCOUNTANT’S ACCOUNTANT WHO JUST WHISPERED OH FUCK, THE CRYPTO BRO WHO HAS SIX MONITORS AND NO BED FRAME, HIS NFT APE’S CHILD SUPPORT MEDIATOR, THE MAN WHO CALLS HIS UNEMPLOYMENT A STEALTH STARTUP, THE RECRUITER WHO ENDORSED HIM FOR BREATHING ON LINKEDIN, THE MAN WHO TURNED GETTING DUMPED INTO NINE LESSONS ABOUT B2B SALES, YOUR BOSS’S LINKEDIN GHOSTWRITER’S INSPIRATIONAL GOLDFISH, THE OFFICE PLANT THAT HAS SURVIVED FOUR REORGS AND NOW REPORTS DIRECTLY TO THE BOARD, THE CONSULTANT BILLING $400 AN HOUR TO PUT THAT PLANT IN A TWO BY TWO MATRIX, THE GUY WHO AUTOMATED HIS ENTIRE JOB AND NOW SPENDS TEN HOURS FIXING THE AUTOMATION, HIS AI AGENT’S HUMAN BABYSITTER’S UNION REPRESENTATIVE, THE GUY WHO SHADOWBOXES BETWEEN SETS OF CHECKING HIS PHONE, HIS STRINGER TANK TOP’S LAST REMAINING MOLECULE, YOUR PERSONAL TRAINER WHO CLAIMS HIS MIRROR AS A DEPENDENT, THE BREATHWORK COACH WHO SENT AN INVOICE FOR SIGHING, HIS SOUND BATH INSTRUCTOR’S NOISE COMPLAINT LAWYER, YOUR AURA READER’S BOOKKEEPER WHO SAYS THE AURA IS INSOLVENT, THE VENTURE CAPITALIST WHO CALLED YOUR GRANDMA’S KNITTING A LEGACY TEXTILE PLATFORM, YOUR GRANDMA WHO TOLD HIM TO GO DISRUPT HIS OWN ASS, THE MAN WHO SAYS MONEY NEVER SLEEPS WHILE ASKING TO BORROW YOUR NETFLIX, THE CFO WHO ASKED IF PANICKING COULD BE CAPITALIZED, HIS EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE’S EXTERNAL AUDITOR, YOUR LANDLORD’S DEMON’S SECURITY DEPOSIT ATTORNEY, THE GUY DOING GOD’S WEBSITE WHO KEEPS SAYING IT’S A CACHE ISSUE, THE DEMON WHO CAN’T POSSESS YOUR UNCLE UNTIL THE PREVIOUS TENANT MOVES OUT, THE GRIM REAPER’S SUBSTITUTE PICKLEBALL PARTNER, THE WOMAN WHO MADE THE FOUR HORSEMEN SPLIT THE CHECK FOUR WAYS EVEN THOUGH FAMINE DIDN’T EAT, THE GUY WHO TAKES PASSPORT PHOTOS FOR SHAPESHIFTERS AND IS LOSING HIS FUCKING MIND, THE ESCAPE ARTIST WHO CAN GET OUT OF HANDCUFFS BUT NOT A GYM CONTRACT, THE WOMAN WHO BROUGHT A PLUS-ONE TO AN INTERVENTION, THE PLUS-ONE WHO ASKED IF THE INTERVENTION WAS OPEN BAR, THE HAMSTER WHO SHREDDED THE DOCUMENTS AND WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT IS HIS NORMAL JOB, YOUR WIFE’S SISTER’S PRIEST AGAIN BECAUSE BY NOW EVEN HE HAS FORGOTTEN WHO THE FUCK STARTED THIS PHONE TREE, HIS BROTHER’S MISTRESS AGAIN BECAUSE SHE WAS GETTING HER NAILS DONE THE FIRST TIME, AND THE MOTHER FUCKER WHO READ ALL THIS AND STILL THINKS WE’RE TALKING ABOUT A FUCKING LIZARD.

I tried.