a.j. 🛸 ✨

I think especially if you ended up getting addicted to drugs or developing serious mental health issues because you were sexually abused as a child you should ever, ever dream of apologizing to your family for a god damn thing. your family should be on their hands and knees begging both you and god for forgiveness and thanking god profusely that you recovered despite their evil intentions that you suffer alone with that burden, for insane shallow reasons

*me in other room within earshot of kitchen* *roommates’ friend noticing shabbos urn that @_n_aom_i bought several years ago while staying in at my place for a week in brooklyn that i still have* “why does that hot water tank have a button that says ‘weekday dispenser’ on it?” roommate: “oh that belongs to aj it’s some jew thing i think” the friend: “ ??? is aj jewish i thought aj is irish” roommate: “yeah so i think aj lived with a bunch of really really jewish people for a long time but isn’t jewish and frankly i dont really understand what happened and im hesitant to open whatever can of worms that is because i think this might be a fucked up story since they live here now, you know?” 😭😭

he’s actually the funniest man on earth to me because he pisses yall off so bad. i want to record a three hour podcast just me and shmuley talking about the sexuality of frum people. we need to compare notes

this is how i found out

sometimes having a family that tries really hard to appear caring is worse than having one that’s openly fucked up because they will lie to other people and pretend they are helping you when they’re not if you’re sick/disabled/whatever like i have relatives who are straight up lying to people about helping me so i don’t actually get help from anyone else who i was connected to before. they’re actually so sick in the fucking head for that shit, and now they’re all going nuts because i’ve cut contact and have been getting shit handled via SW, odd jobs, and random acts of kindness i really don’t know what the point of carrying on like this was. all of this CRAZY behavior for no rational reason whatsoever. hope that throwing a psychotic fit over my sexual autonomy and power tripping over the fact that i was running away from an unstable abusive partner who wiped out my savings & put me in a vulnerable spot was worth not having any relationship with me at all for the rest of your pathetic creepy lives

i never take money for disrespect tho. the minute i dont like some man’s tone im aggro. i’ll sleep in a field before groveling for pocket change from some creep who thinks i might be an easy mark for mistreatment. bitch i should rob you at knifepoint, you’d deserve it

findom is not easy at all, most of the accounts you see are faking those screenshots, a lot of this is fake, actually making money takes a lot of swinging and missing and the women who actually succeed at it honestly deserve an honorary psychology degree. it’s very difficult to actually strike gold here i kind of assumed that when i first took interest in that form of SW, that what you see on the surface isn’t real and there’s something more complex going on here, and it’s more or less what i expected: it’s *usually* an advertisement for other forms of more traditional online SW or it’s a way to cover your ass, advertising IRL services. some particularly fishy accounts i imagine are just AI/con artists/etc

the hardest part of trying to do a findom grift for me is that you have to perform wealth, because of the psychology of the kink. you have to wave fat stacks around and signal to paypigs that you have tons of money already, you’re wasteful with it, you’re a magnet for it, and they are a little pig and should give you their money because fuck them they don’t deserve it i would have to create an entirely new account and perform it as a fake personality because the real me is like “pay for me to go to the dentist bitch i got no coverage maybe you’ll see my tits”

i kind of like living in a region again where no one is armchair diagnosing people it’s just a sucking of the teeth and waving of the hands and going “she a hot mess, you know how it is” the minute people start pathologizing you, they no longer need to point to actual actions/behaviors they can just label you as Ontologically Bad and will then use that label as an excuse to abuse you. one piece of advice i strongly recommend is terminating any relationship immediately in which the other person insists on diagnosing you with a personality disorder you have never actually been evaluated for. that is an abusive person! they have no business doing that!