rainer fm

"You run like a girl. Hey, wait up."

How come if I say “You’re as pretty as a picture,” people automatically assume I’m referring to a picture that’s pretty?

Dear company. Yes, you made a sale, but if I can't open your stupid fucking package, I'm not buying another one.

She's a little younger than me, but that's ok. I'm very immature for my age.

If you ever get tired of playing Florida Man, you can substitute Republican for Florida. You get most of the same results, plus a bunch of stuff ffrom other states.

Why I prefer widows over divorcees. I want their ex-es to be as ex as possible.

Lest we forget, in an early scene in Diamonds are Forever (1971) even before asking a woman his first question, James Bond strips off her bikini top and uses it to choke her. In retrospect I probably shouldn't have used that scene as my audition piece.

I care about what happens to all you sluts and whores out there, so here's a reminder that it's the beginning of the month and time to renew your prescriptions for the morning-after pill.

If breast cancer could choose its hosts, I'm pretty sure Elizabeth Hurley would have it by now.

Rejected Buffalo NFL team names: Bisons, Wings, Williams

I'd like to lodge a complaint against the so-called butcher of Seville. He said he was going to shoot me on sight, but then he shot me off site.

Women dream of weddings; men dream of wedding nights. And men wish they were first date nights.

I think MacGyver jumped the shark with the episode when he picked a lock with his dick. That was soo fake. I'm not even sure if he was hard.