Ross Parsons is now HBO Ross (@rossparsons) header
Ross Parsons is now HBO Ross (@rossparsons) profile picture

Comedian, human being, award-winning tweetist.

New York
Joined March 2009
Photo by Ross Parsons is now HBO Ross (@rossparsons)Photo by Ross Parsons is now HBO Ross (@rossparsons)Photo by Ross Parsons is now HBO Ross (@rossparsons)Photo by Ross Parsons is now HBO Ross (@rossparsons)Photo by Ross Parsons is now HBO Ross (@rossparsons)Photo by Ross Parsons is now HBO Ross (@rossparsons)Photo by Ross Parsons is now HBO Ross (@rossparsons)Photo by Ross Parsons is now HBO Ross (@rossparsons)Photo by Ross Parsons is now HBO Ross (@rossparsons)Photo by Ross Parsons is now HBO Ross (@rossparsons)
I didn't used to believe in life changing serendipity but then someone left an unused $100 bong on the sidewalk
12
13
4
329
Ross Parsons is now HBO Ross retweeted
26
310
19
1,623
35,551
🚨 JUST IN: The White House has released new footage of the current Trump Oval Office and liberals are furious that there's "too much gold." It actually looks stunning. Trump's Oval looks leagues better than Biden and Obama's.
1
340
You're not going to believe it when I tell you most comics' stories didn't actually happen the other day
Dear dishonest corporate media hobgoblins: Jimmy Kimmel did not make a “joke.” Jimmy Kimmel went on air and told the ABC audience that Charlie Kirk’s assassin was a MAGA conservative, effectively blaming Charlie Kirk for his own assassination. Then he accusing the right of covering it up to “score political points.” All of these statements are false and malicious lies told at the expense of one of the most horrific acts of left-wing political violence in American history. Totally indefensible. @ABC had no choice but to fire Kimmel for this. Period.
2
123
Jimmy Fallon call Charlie Kirk a racist challenge
3
196
Using a helicopter I managed to fly the American flag at double mast this week.
1
31
We're doin smol bean war crimes now
It would be wise for those criticizing JD Vance to recall that his mother was a drug addict who nearly died multiple times right in front of him. This issue is extremely personal to him and he cannot be expected to have any sympathy with cartels.
62
If you're this mad about Cracker Barrel you are fundamentally a loser
Alright, I'm hearing chatter from behind the scenes about the Cracker Barrel campaign and, on second thought: we must break the Barrel. It's not about this particular restaurant chain—who cares—but about creating massive pressure against companies that are considering any move that might appear to be "wokification." The implicit promise: Go woke, watch your stock price drop 20 percent, which is exactly what is happening now. I was wrong. The Barrel must be broken.
114
Love when people lecture about building a bigger tent when they wouldn't let anti-genocide sentiment into their tent.
Tweeting "I told you so" at people who change their mind about what's happening in Gaza does nothing to help the kids who are being starved to death. Welcome people into the tent. Build a bigger coalition and use it to force political change.
1
64
At a student government conference we got a guy who told us about how his mother had gaslit him as a child into making false reports of sexual abuse against his father and he did not sound like he was done processing it.
unbelievable grift, being a motivational speaker for high schoolers. are they still doing that? I remember this one guy came to our school and basically just explained the plot of the movie Rudy to us then left
5
121
That one scene in It makin a lot more sense
The Epstein client list is real. So is the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus.
65
Hate to defend McKinsey but I'm pretty sure they've never proposed Holocaust 2
R.I.P McKinsey. You don’t need a $300k consultant anymore. You can now run full competitive market analysis using Grok 4. Here are the exact 3 mega-prompts I use to replicate McKinsey-style insights for free:
128
Amazing how the Trump admin can just end birthright citizenship but not cancelling subscriptions
The FTC's click-to-cancel rule, which would have made it much easier for consumers to get rid of unwanted online subscriptions, isn't going into effect for one reason: the Biden FTC cut corners and didn't follow the law. Process matters.
1
29
151
14,546
You know you could've given readers his online alias AND his real name. You could have also expounded on his eugenicist views instead of referring to him as an academic.
Replying to @patrickhealynyt
On sourcing, we work to give readers context, including in this case the initial source’s online alias, as a way to learn more about the person, who was effectively an intermediary. The ultimate source was Columbia admissions data and Mr. Mamdani, who confirmed our reporting.
8
180
The argument is the US should've never been there in the first place you fucking dunce
Replying to @bendreyfuss
I mean what you’re arguing for is that the US should have put twice as many troops there and kept them there until the job was done. I personally am open to this argument but the left wasn’t. The left wanted the troops home. The left resisted the surge bitterly.
75
Industry plant
Hakeem Jeffries is the leader America deserves. 🇺🇸
83
The bill sucks but I hope someone fixes it is a hell of a thing to say from a FUCKING SENATOR
This was one of the hardest votes I have taken during my time in the Senate.   My goal throughout the reconciliation process has been to make a bad bill better for Alaska, and in many ways, we have done that. In addition to extending pro-growth tax cuts, a larger child tax credit, and no tax on tips or overtime, we made a historic investment and modernization of the Coast Guard; enhanced our border security and national defense; funded aviation safety, including AWOS/VWOS systems that will save lives; and provided tax-exempt status for the Community Development Quota Program to help western Alaska communities establish a sustainable economy, among other provisions.   We have advanced new opportunities for resource development in the NPR-A, the Coastal Plain, and Cook Inlet that will help us create jobs and increase the share of revenues our state receives. I also co-led the Senate effort to restore a slightly longer phase-out for wind and solar tax credits while deleting a punitive excise tax targeting them.   Those provisions will benefit our economy, but it is the people of Alaska that I worry about the most, especially when it comes to the potential loss of social safety net programs—Medicaid coverage and SNAP benefits—that our most vulnerable populations rely on.   To address the bill’s shortcomings, we have helped our communities through a $50 billion rural health fund. This will mean hundreds of millions of dollars for Alaska hospitals, community health centers, and other providers. We secured commitments from the CMS Administrator to continue to address longstanding priorities which will directly help Bartlett, Fairbanks Memorial, Central Peninsula, and other hospitals in Alaska.   In the SNAP program, we have added tribal exemptions for work requirements, delayed cost-share penalties to help Alaska get benefits to the people who need them, and included work requirement waivers that align with our Medicaid policies. We also secured commitments from the Secretary of Agriculture to provide additional flexibilities to Alaska for SNAP.   But, let’s not kid ourselves. This has been an awful process—a frantic rush to meet an artificial deadline that has tested every limit of this institution. While we have worked to improve the present bill for Alaska, it is not good enough for the rest of our nation—and we all know it.   My sincere hope is that this is not the final product. This bill needs more work across chambers and is not ready for the President’s desk. We need to work together to get this right.
1
90
Washington Generals ass party
NEWS: I just got the name struck off this bill with a move on the floor of the Senate. It is no longer named “One Big Beautiful Bill.” The bill is a BIG, UGLY BETRAYAL of the American people by the Republicans. And the American people will remember it.
2
90