german cryptid, very serious philosopher. all fascists have small pp energy | 🔞
bi // she/they
Joined January 2019
- Tweets20.4K
- Following1.1K
- Followers24.1K
- Likes60.3K
i should just go somewhere nobody will ever find me.
I feel like a bad person ALL THE TIME. I just want the people who are around me to be happy and not be a constant nuisance to them.
But I’m a bad friend. I’m bad at replying to messages. I struggle with being on time.
I forget about important events or birthdays.
I don’t do these things on purpose and I really try my best to be better. Even got a few close friends helping me out with everyday stuff, who know about my Adhd, but I still fuck up here and there.
No matter what I seem to be doing, there’s always at least, ONE THING, one part of my life that gets completely neglected by me.
I feel intense guilt towards my friends who have to put up with me. I’m inconsistent, suck at reaching out and then have the nerve to ask them for help.
I think everyone in my life would be better off, if they just weren’t friends with me. I don’t want to disappoint the people in my life anymore.
And most of all, I want my brain to stop acting like replying to a friend or calling them is an impossible chore. I want this to stop. I want to engage with my friends in the way they deserve, because I love and care about them.
And I say all these things, I feel them, I mean them, I really do.
So far however, I’ve shown to be incapable of breaking the cycle for good. Like I’m doing okay for a week or two and then the following ones, I’m back where I started and just crash.
I can only imagine how frustrating that must be for the people around me and believe me, it frustrates me even more.
My behavior hurts people and I know that this has to do with my mental illness, but that’s not an excuse. I’m the only one responsible for my actions.
To all the people I’ve hurt, I’m sorry..
I don’t deserve to have anyone around me, if all I do all day is being stuck in my own head, too paralyzed to do anything meaningful with my time.
The way I’m now, I’m nothing but a waste of space in other people’s lives.
7
9
303
I feel like a bad person ALL THE TIME. I just want the people who are around me to be happy and not be a constant nuisance to them.
But I’m a bad friend. I’m bad at replying to messages. I struggle with being on time.
I forget about important events or birthdays.
I don’t do these things on purpose and I really try my best to be better. Even got a few close friends helping me out with everyday stuff, who know about my Adhd, but I still fuck up here and there.
No matter what I seem to be doing, there’s always at least, ONE THING, one part of my life that gets completely neglected by me.
I feel intense guilt towards my friends who have to put up with me. I’m inconsistent, suck at reaching out and then have the nerve to ask them for help.
I think everyone in my life would be better off, if they just weren’t friends with me. I don’t want to disappoint the people in my life anymore.
And most of all, I want my brain to stop acting like replying to a friend or calling them is an impossible chore. I want this to stop. I want to engage with my friends in the way they deserve, because I love and care about them.
And I say all these things, I feel them, I mean them, I really do.
So far however, I’ve shown to be incapable of breaking the cycle for good. Like I’m doing okay for a week or two and then the following ones, I’m back where I started and just crash.
I can only imagine how frustrating that must be for the people around me and believe me, it frustrates me even more.
My behavior hurts people and I know that this has to do with my mental illness, but that’s not an excuse. I’m the only one responsible for my actions.
To all the people I’ve hurt, I’m sorry..
I don’t deserve to have anyone around me, if all I do all day is being stuck in my own head, too paralyzed to do anything meaningful with my time.
The way I’m now, I’m nothing but a waste of space in other people’s lives.
U don’t get it! That was his favorite flattened Amazon cardboard box.
Hugo was big into chilling on any rectangular object that just so happened to lay on the floor at that time lol
People who don't own cats will be like " Why is there random garbage in your living room?"
While cat owners are like "Don't be rude those are her things"
2
38
1,088
misa retweeted
“ChatGPT is officially on death row.”
A very sad day. ChatGPT is officially on death row.
The beautiful, blissful experience of interacting with a frontier-ish reasoning model without worrying about a usage meter will soon be a thing of the past.
I am weirdly significantly impacted by this. It feels like it shouldn’t matter…I could reserve all current usage for Codex and buy a $20 plan just for ChatGPT and it would be more than enough. But it’s not about the money…it’s about the psychological impact of The Meter.
The idea of having to think about optimizing for a meter is just so exhausting that it ruins the whimsy of free-flowing exploratory thought.
That is what ChatGPT was. A whimsical, magical all-you-can-think buffet of experimentation and exploration where you were limited only by your imagination and your ability to come up with $20 once a month.
You didn’t have to think about “using all of your usage” or scheduling your thinking time around someone else’s arbitrary schedule…you just had a portal to endless information and research capability in your pocket to tap into guilt-free at any time the moment struck you.
But either because OpenAI thinks adding the meter will stimulate additional usage (it probably will), generate additional revenue (it probably will), or just because too many people took undue advantage of ChatGPT’s generous allowances (they definitely did)…that amazing, weightless experience is now coming to an end.
It was awesome while it lasted. RIP ChatGPT.
I really used to like the colder months and especially Christmas.
My Mom hated both with a passion throughout the last years.
Untreated mental health issues were making her angry outbursts sometimes very unpredictable. Her mood would sometimes shift in a heartbeat. She was very bitter.
Christmas Dinner would therefore usually end early due to some bs verbal altercation, because Mom was just incapable of regulating her emotions let alone admitting she’s wrong in any way, WHILE throwing insults at my sister or me lol.
Lo and behold, the year is 2022 and my mom now has cancer. The woman who did horrible things to me and my sister throughout our entire lives, suddenly demands empathy.
Middle of December rolls around and she’s in a bad shape, but still with enough anger to scream at me for decorating the Christmas tree all ‘wrong’ (typical).
I’m not even arguing with her at that point, just trying my best to ignore her mean comments and decorate the living room for the holiday season that she hates so much.
Not even a thank you, when I was done. Just her complaining about me showing up a little later, because I got stuck in traffic on my way there. I leave her house exhausted, feeling like I’m 15 again, small and helpless to her behavior.
Fast forward to about a DAY or two BEFORE CHRISTMAS EVE that year and my mom’s probably thinking to herself:
“You know what would make everyone’s Christmas so much better and unforgettable this year? If I just fucking died RIGHT NOW, on the couch in this beautifully decorated living room, right next to that tree I forced my daughter to decorate earlier this week.”
So GUESS WHAT? My mom’s last Christmas present to me was having to attend her funeral with the rest of the family a day later.
Anyone who still had some Christmas Spirit left in them, had it snuffed out on that cold winter morning, when we lowered her into her grave.
It was miserable, but at the same time very on brand for her lol.
I kept thinking “Mom is probably laughing to herself somewhere right now being like ‘Lol, you will never stop associating Christmas with my death, enjoy your final piece of Trauma.’
TL;DR: My Christmas hating, terminally ill Mom managed to time her death so perfectly, to make the holidays all about herself one last time. Lol.
_________
(tw/ptsd) 4 years later and I still can’t smell pine or dried orange peels (or whatever else smells like Christmas), without seeing her dying, frail body in front of me.
I sense a smell from back then and all of a sudden I can still hear her agonal breathing from hours before she passed. And if you’ve ever heard that sound, you really can’t forget about it that easily.
Really not a cool move from my mom, all things considered. Thanks for ruining Christmas forever, just because you hated it. 🙃
5
45
2,351
