bijoyetri

I was trying to describe to someone yesterday how it has felt being a brown South Asian Muslim woman getting my Masters and PhD in a higher education system that is still so overwhelmingly white and colonial in nature. The way I was incessantly surveilled in the department - hyper scrutinized over my writing and my conduct in class discussions, and the paralyzing fear I consistently felt of being accused of plagiarism. And that it felt the EXACT same as when I was a young girl growing up in the U.K and I’d go to the local shops with my white friends during lunchtime and I’d be the only one watched the entire time because I was expected to steal. I remember at times feeling the need to overcompensate for my “threatening” and “criminal” appearance by being extra chatty, polite, well-spoken and “English”, and keeping my hands in the open so they can see my obvious innocence. And at other times, feeling so angry about the unfair targeting that I’d defiantly act even more “other” and mysterious, and I’d let them believe I’m about to steal, just so I can have some grand vindication moment when they are proven wrong. One thing I don’t ever remember feeling was safe - that the adults or those in a position of authority in the situation would protect me if I was being unfairly or illegitimately attacked - neither in the shops, nor in the universities. Jason Arday was a Black man existing in a white supremacist colonial institution that was always looking at him with suspicion and scrutiny and forever ready to throw him to the wolves to protect themselves if deemed necessary. He was never safe in that place.